Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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