I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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