He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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