It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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