Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
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Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
you will always have a special place in my vag
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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