I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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