I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
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