this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
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