the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
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