We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Loading more great texts...