What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey