she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Send us your Text From Last Night!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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