I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
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