At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Loading more great texts...