I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
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Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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