Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
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