I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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