it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
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