In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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