I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
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