Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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