My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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