We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
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