Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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