Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
So many bounce houses so little time
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I take back everything I said about communal showers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it's great music for shaving your balls
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you