the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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