i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
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