nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
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