Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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