On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
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