high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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