Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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