And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Loading more great texts...