I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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