This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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