a search helicopter?!
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I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
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