theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
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What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
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