U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
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thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So many bounce houses so little time
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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