I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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