I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He passed out mid-signature
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
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