She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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