we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
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