DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
These tits shall not be calmed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star WarsðŸ™ƒ
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need water and some morals
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Intervention is following me on twitter.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need a hoe opinion
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A+ Viking dick
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where BeyoncÃ© was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
my sisters under your porch take her home
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
its not stalking. its research.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? ðŸ¤” I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm too high and old for this...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Okay so I just had a really great idea
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðŸ˜‚ðŸ˜‚
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
COCAINE IS GR8
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
where am i from again
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I touched a dick in church today
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's never too late to be topless.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Who died my cat blue again?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'm home, then i'll come over
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching PokÃ©mon. What a time to be alive.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She needs sedatives and a leash
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.