Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
tonight lets celebrate not being married
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
All I want is dick and wine.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?