By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This baby is an asshole
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
All the doctor said was why
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
God has nothing to do with this.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?