Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just high enough for therapy.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You need Xanax blowdarts
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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