Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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