ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
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