Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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