Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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