Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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