I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
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